Blog Abandonment

It’s time to move on to another part of my life with new beginnings. I have enjoyed blogging very much but it seems that I really need to take this hobby seriously once again. I cannot do it here anymore and I will be deleting this blog by the end of this summer. I’m glad that there are readers who found my writings enjoyable, and I wish them good luck.

Since I get most of my feedback from girls who have secret boyfriends, I wish you all good luck in making it through to the light where you will no longer need to hide. I would like to think that I am a prime example of a girl who has spent most of her love life in the dark and now that I’m officially an adult and attending university, I feel that it’s the right time. I hope you will find your own ‘right time’ to show the world the amazing relationship that you have shared with your other half. Remember that there are dozens, possibly millions, of girls and guys out there in our situation, but may not be so willing to even look it up. Take care of yourselves and never lose hope!

I will be writing somewhere else in this world and who knows, you may even bump into it some day! Once again, thank you for reading my blog(s) and I hope that we may meet again someday.

More and More Blogs

I’ve been a blogger for the past ten years and I have seen many changes over the years. Experimenting with several kinds of blogs finally allowed me to settle on WordPress for a number of reasons. Of one of these reasons is that there are comparatively less casual bloggers, I’ve found, on WordPress than others. In the past, WordPress seemed to be limited to actual former bloggers and everything else, such as Blogger, was for casual writers. I have no problem with casual writers in the literal sense but when I speak of them, I am talking about those who refuse to type proper English. I understand that they simply want a domain to speak their thoughts so the way they write doesn’t…count? It does. Even if your idea is interesting, how are people supposed to take you seriously if you write with as much language competency as a 2nd-grader-who-just-discovered-blogging does? Even if you don’t care about who reads your blog, do you want to look back on what you wrote and see yourself as foolish (or even more foolish than you are now)? Whether you are writing this for yourself or someone else, do it properly.

The fact that there are more and more blogs these days doesn’t help it either. A large number of my friends have started blogs and some, I prompted them to do so. I won’t be complaining about my friends starting blogs though, because I know they will write properly — not like some other people out there. However, you might say that if I don’t like how some people write, I won’t read it again. That’s true — I won’t.

Still, more and more blogs are cluttering our online space which is limited, and it bothers me to the core. There are more of them now because while it was expected that women would take on the online form of a diary, men have decided that it’s cooler to have a blog–it’s not quite a diary. Even though the blog is essentially an online diary, it’s suddenly culturally okay for men to have blogs. Please take note that I am talking about the casual and casual-ish bloggers, not the intensely interesting bloggers out there. Most bloggers are fanatical about the idea of starting a blog simply because it’s free, and some people actually pay for these domains. Might I say, that the space is not really free and that the more people start blogs, the more expensive the internet gets. Those who don’t make use of this space is not only making it hard for society but also for themselves. Even if some blog sites actively search out ‘dead blogs’, which are those that people abandon for years, they won’t be able to get rid of the clutter fast enough. If you do not write for half a year, just don’t bother. If you don’t write anything of value or have anything of value for a quarter of a year, maybe you might want to delete your blog. I know you, casual and casual-ish bloggers, because I’ve been there. Even if you don’t drop your blog now without deleting it, you might just end up doing that later. Not taking blogging seriously, as a kid, I would have multiple blogs. Then I would just abandon them all at once when I got uninterested or was too involved in something else to post. Then you hope that maybe it’ll still be there for the next five years and you can read about your life because you had been too lazy to try to remember what you think at the time was memorable. In five years, you might find your blog and read about how strange you were. Maybe in five years, you’ll lose the URL to your blog or maybe it’ll be deleted by then. If you want to keep memories, write it on a word document and save each post on your external hard drive every time you write one. I actually have a friend who did this and I think it was a wonderful idea. If you plan to share your ideas and have them live forever online, make sure you keep posting–and maybe support the provider / domain with donations.

I have two blogs that I’ve maintained to this day. I probably won’t stop blogging unless something drastic comes up, but I’ll still know what to do. Unless you’ve forgotten your password and it magically becomes irretrievable, which happens, please delete your blog if you won’t be using it anymore. Then, you can save your archives of your blog on your computer and/or an external hard drive.

Happy blogging!

Unappreciative

Not long ago, I broke up with someone who was very close to me. It does not make sense to a lot of people nor do I actually think anyone knows what happened. It was an event that spanned across the remainder of a summer and ended just when the leaves were about to fall. It would make even less sense to those who rely solely on my blog posts to learn my life.

However, at the very end of the relationship, I found myself bombarded with questions that I was almost hesitant to answer every single time I heard them. Every time I heard the same various questions, I had different answers (or ideas of answers), which caused me to persistently avoid them. “What am I to you?” How am I supposed to answer that? I’m not attacking anyone by the way, but what exactly was the point of asking that? Should he become an even better person than he is now by the time he is here, he will be able to find out that answer for himself. At the moment, there is nothing that I could think of anyone– or at least anyone anymore. I could not have said this before but now, there is no other answer I could provide. “What have I done for you?” was another question that I could not find answers for. I don’t know for sure whether he really did not do anything for me or whether I’m simply unappreciative of what others do for me.

Unappreciative, that might as well be what I am. I’ll probably get back to this later.

Inside, I do know that everyone influences other people in a good sense and a bad sense. I hadn’t thought about it until now. When I was laying down on my bed under the presumption that I am tired, due to my suitemates’ comments on the dark bags around my eyes, I stared at a poster for a very long time. It was a poster I bought earlier in the year during a large-scale poster sale at the Student Life Centre on campus. At a glance, you would see warmly-toned trees, and a small consistent and soft stream of water pouring out from a source you cannot see because it is too blinding. There are rays of light coming from the source, and it might as well be the sun, if anything.

I wanted to be there. I placed a finger on the stream of water and I could feel it. I moved towards the trees, where they seemed to sway lightly, and I could feel it too. When placed my hand on the poster, my hand seemed to glow and there was a warmth I’ve never felt for a long time. It was all because I was with you, and this experience that I’ve never experienced before. No, rather, these individual experiences pieced together to make this one ultimate experience. The stream of water, like the time I went to the cottage with you, felt like the water that trailed at the end of the boat. The trees–and that warmth– feel exactly like how it was in Montreal by Mont Royal. If the clouds appear to have a silver lining, then the trees must have a golden lining. The warmth that I felt as I walked down the halls of trees was relived. I did not linger there any longer because I would have been lost forever. I did not want to forget this again: you have given me an important gift as a human being. You gave me valuable experiences that I will feel forever, whether I recognize them or not.

This brings to the topic that I do not appreciate the many things that I do have. Not to mention that it’s an important case for many individuals, especially those who accuse me of this serious crime. I am aware that I am a selfish person who is accustomed to the many luxuries most people do not have–such as loved ones or what they do for me. I have been in many relationships and the one action that one person does for me loses value very easily. A confession loses its meaning easily as I realize how easy it is to say it. I’m used to serving the person I love and I’m also use to being served by the person I love.

It is you, the people who accuse me, who make me think like this. The idea that I do not appreciate what others do for me is entirely wrong. I may be accustomed to all of this and that I may not remain on a single premise forever, but I definitely do not take these things for granted. I believe that there are certain things that need to proceed, to leave to improve, and so we all can come back as better people. The people who are often right, are only often right. You, the people who think you know me, are biased. You are the people who don’t confront others when there is a problem. You only complain behind backs. But not to worry, I am just like you. At least I acknowledge this.

This certainly isn’t the sort of comeback I intended to write as it served hardly any purpose. I do notice that my style of writing has slightly changed but I am not in the state of caring or thinking more excessively than I used to. Good night.

Decisions

I should not have to say this because we all know that my updates are never consistent. Recently, I’ve been so stressed out with the work and the things I have to deal with every single day. Additionally, I came to the conclusion of breaking up with Cameron until he enters my university. I’m hoping everything works out and in the mean time, we’ll be working and doing our own thing. I tried to suggest that we should date other people should we find that someone may or may not be better than each other. This thing doesn’t really concern me but what matters is that he can motivate himself to become better. I don’t want to be the sole reason why he’s doing what he’s doing.

I want to write more but I’m yawning every 5 seconds now. I shouldn’t have woken up at 6:30 am so early since I slept late, once again. Maybe I’ll write another time.

I Don’t Recognize Myself

This blog has been on hiatus for way too long. I didn’t really have anything to write about until now. Just to update, I have been accepted to the university and the program I wanted to go to all along. I apparently don’t do well on timed essays; thus, I didn’t make it to the stream I wanted to go into. I want to look at it as an accomplishment though: I beat 700-800 people that just like me at it. I only didn’t beat 80. I have to keep telling myself to focus on what I have to do now and for the future. My father keeps bringing it up though, and I know—I know I should have done better.

My summer has been hectic and exciting because there is so much I want to do, but so much I’m already doing now. Unlike the other summers, there haven’t been many days that I have absolutely nothing to do. For instance, I have been planning to visit my aunt in Montreal in early August with my boyfriend. That itself is another problem. However, what I really want to share is how I can’t recognize myself anymore. I can’t look in the mirror and say, “that’s me.”

I didn’t go through any cosmetic surgery either. I didn’t start wearing makeup. I see myself in the mirror when I brush my teeth or when I dress up every single day. For some reason, I can’t see myself as ‘myself’ anymore. It doesn’t make any sense. My boyfriend told me that it’s probably because I’m undergoing a mental change. Is that true? Does everything feel the same way when they experience mental changes? How come I’ve never felt this until now?

It bothers me but at the same time, it makes me insecure. I’m not mature as others say I am; I feel very insecure about my image. When I used to recognize myself, I was convinced by my friends that I was “over the average” based on looks. I was happy with that because I honestly want to make myself as presentable as I could be. With that in mind, I realized that only close friends would judge me out of the blue. I would, obviously, receive more lavished compliments from those who displayed feelings towards me. I asked one of my good guy friends last night about my image. He commented, saying that my new haircut is a nice improvement—which I openly admit. Other than that, he said and added nothing. In other words, I’m average. I understand that looking “average” is virtually advantageous to looking “over average” and looking “under average” for a number of reasons. But as a girl who used to believe that she was over average for a long period of time, it’s quite a fall. Why does it even matter? It matters a lot for me to be as presentable to everyone I meet.

I don’t think there’s a direct correlation between the realization of that I’m an average-looking girl to me not realizing myself though. I’ve felt like I’m not myself for quite a while now, before I realized that I was an ordinary-looking girl. There isn’t anything I can do about not being able to recognize myself in the mirror but I was hoping to find some solace in writing about it. Perhaps someone out there has felt the same way at some point in their lives and would like to share it with me.

If I haven’t changed physically, then I must have changed mentally—just as my boyfriend said. I think it could be true because I’m starting to open my eyes to more options in this world. It really isn’t about making it to the top of the world. It’s more about enjoying the life we have now. I wasn’t brought up to think this way but falling so many times (and falling in love this time) has made me see much more. I feel like I’m still growing—I literally feel it. I don’t stick by those credentials as much anymore when I’m interested in someone. The riches, the looks, the intelligence, the good family upbringing…should I still be looking closely into those? I feel that I still stick by them, as shallow as I can be, because I believe people can change. My family expects and trusts me to find a good husband who would satisfy all those credentials. Those credentials will help ensure that my family will be stable and not have to worry about the lack of necessities in life. I’m hoping that while my boyfriend is influencing me to enjoy the simple luxuries of life, I will also influence him to plan and work for the future so that he can enjoy the finer luxuries of life. My family and a couple of friends still think that I can “find someone better” but I don’t want to. Those credentials are important but it doesn’t mean that he can’t grow into them. Take me for example: I didn’t care about looks, grades, planning, family, or money as a kid. Now as I’m turning 18 in a few weeks, I understand the importance of them. I can’t lie around and do nothing. I spend my spare time planning for the future. I hope he’ll feel this way too, but I can’t pressure him. I used to spend a lot of time planning for him.

In any case, I’m very confused at where my mental evolution is taking me. I don’t know what I can do about myself either. I’ve also stopped eating as much as before; I pretty much eat one meal each day, which is dinner. I don’t know what to do nowadays except do short-term planning. I’ve also got some issues with my parents—especially my mom—being irrationally controlling. Just for the record, I’m not being rebellious—I just think they should know I can pick out my own wardrobe without my mother. I’ve done it before so I don’t understand why they’re being so strict about having my mother around. Do they not trust me to factor in cost, quality, and style before I purchase them? Whatever it is, I don’t plan on ranting about it for too long since I will be attending a small reunion dinner later.

My life feels so uninspiring.

Cheating on me?

If you’ve ever asked yourself this question, I don’t blame you. You don’t need evidence of anything to ask yourself this question. I’m serious. You don’t need to see a scandalous picture in order to bring the topic up. Cheating can happen to everyone and by anyone. Indeed, people have made some kind of regulations you should follow in order to prevent cheating–but how are you so sure that it’s flawless? A real lover expresses their feelings in words and actions, and so do the fake ones. As I’m writing this, even I can’t differentiate a cheater from someone who actually loves me.

Athough it is okay to test once in a while, it doesn’t mean you should abuse it. Think about it–you really love someone but they constantly doubt you. That wouldn’t feel very nice. However, even if you trust them to sincerely love you back and maybe they do, it doesn’t  mean they won’t change later. It’s happened to me, unfortunately, and my ex told me that “people change” right after he broke up with me. However, that’s another case. You can’t trust anyone, not even your closest family or friends, but we do it anyway. 

It’s because you can’t prove their love for you.

Every life is the same. Human or not.

Have you heard of human rights? Did you know that we’re all equal under the eyes of law and society? Of course you did, but are these rights limited to humans? When we think about it, they are. For some reason, we are called superior beings to almost all creatures on this Earth with developed systems to perform multiple tasks and achieve the goals which our minds fabricate. Why is this so? Why do we place human life before others’? It is more important to us to save a human than to save an ant, a bear, or a tree. 

However, that is indecent and cruel. While we can fight for our rights as equal humans, man or woman, black or white, and young or old, these creatures cannot. These animals breathe, speak, think, dream, and love like we do. Their bodies are as unique as our’s. The earth would not be the same without each other. But why–I must ask, why. Why are we so much more important than our counterparts? When somebody’s pet dies, you can’t simply say “You can just buy another one. It’s just an animal.” When a child steps on an ant, killing it in the process, you can’t say, “It’s just an ant. It’s not like you killed an endangered animal.” Put yourselves in the shoes of the vulnerable–no, not just vulnerable humans– the vulnerable animals and insects. Put yourselves in the shoes of God’s creations. The ones who truly cannot speak and cannot move others. When we demolish forests and uproot trees, we cannot say, “We’ll just plant another one.” 

What we’re dealing with is life.