I should not have to say this because we all know that my updates are never consistent. Recently, I’ve been so stressed out with the work and the things I have to deal with every single day. Additionally, I came to the conclusion of breaking up with Cameron until he enters my university. I’m hoping everything works out and in the mean time, we’ll be working and doing our own thing. I tried to suggest that we should date other people should we find that someone may or may not be better than each other. This thing doesn’t really concern me but what matters is that he can motivate himself to become better. I don’t want to be the sole reason why he’s doing what he’s doing.

I want to write more but I’m yawning every 5 seconds now. I shouldn’t have woken up at 6:30 am so early since I slept late, once again. Maybe I’ll write another time.

This blog has been on hiatus for way too long. I didn’t really have anything to write about until now. Just to update, I have been accepted to the university and the program I wanted to go to all along. I apparently don’t do well on timed essays; thus, I didn’t make it to the stream I wanted to go into. I want to look at it as an accomplishment though: I beat 700-800 people that just like me at it. I only didn’t beat 80. I have to keep telling myself to focus on what I have to do now and for the future. My father keeps bringing it up though, and I know—I know I should have done better.

My summer has been hectic and exciting because there is so much I want to do, but so much I’m already doing now. Unlike the other summers, there haven’t been many days that I have absolutely nothing to do. For instance, I have been planning to visit my aunt in Montreal in early August with my boyfriend. That itself is another problem. However, what I really want to share is how I can’t recognize myself anymore. I can’t look in the mirror and say, “that’s me.”

I didn’t go through any cosmetic surgery either. I didn’t start wearing makeup. I see myself in the mirror when I brush my teeth or when I dress up every single day. For some reason, I can’t see myself as ‘myself’ anymore. It doesn’t make any sense. My boyfriend told me that it’s probably because I’m undergoing a mental change. Is that true? Does everything feel the same way when they experience mental changes? How come I’ve never felt this until now?

It bothers me but at the same time, it makes me insecure. I’m not mature as others say I am; I feel very insecure about my image. When I used to recognize myself, I was convinced by my friends that I was “over the average” based on looks. I was happy with that because I honestly want to make myself as presentable as I could be. With that in mind, I realized that only close friends would judge me out of the blue. I would, obviously, receive more lavished compliments from those who displayed feelings towards me. I asked one of my good guy friends last night about my image. He commented, saying that my new haircut is a nice improvement—which I openly admit. Other than that, he said and added nothing. In other words, I’m average. I understand that looking “average” is virtually advantageous to looking “over average” and looking “under average” for a number of reasons. But as a girl who used to believe that she was over average for a long period of time, it’s quite a fall. Why does it even matter? It matters a lot for me to be as presentable to everyone I meet.

I don’t think there’s a direct correlation between the realization of that I’m an average-looking girl to me not realizing myself though. I’ve felt like I’m not myself for quite a while now, before I realized that I was an ordinary-looking girl. There isn’t anything I can do about not being able to recognize myself in the mirror but I was hoping to find some solace in writing about it. Perhaps someone out there has felt the same way at some point in their lives and would like to share it with me.

If I haven’t changed physically, then I must have changed mentally—just as my boyfriend said. I think it could be true because I’m starting to open my eyes to more options in this world. It really isn’t about making it to the top of the world. It’s more about enjoying the life we have now. I wasn’t brought up to think this way but falling so many times (and falling in love this time) has made me see much more. I feel like I’m still growing—I literally feel it. I don’t stick by those credentials as much anymore when I’m interested in someone. The riches, the looks, the intelligence, the good family upbringing…should I still be looking closely into those? I feel that I still stick by them, as shallow as I can be, because I believe people can change. My family expects and trusts me to find a good husband who would satisfy all those credentials. Those credentials will help ensure that my family will be stable and not have to worry about the lack of necessities in life. I’m hoping that while my boyfriend is influencing me to enjoy the simple luxuries of life, I will also influence him to plan and work for the future so that he can enjoy the finer luxuries of life. My family and a couple of friends still think that I can “find someone better” but I don’t want to. Those credentials are important but it doesn’t mean that he can’t grow into them. Take me for example: I didn’t care about looks, grades, planning, family, or money as a kid. Now as I’m turning 18 in a few weeks, I understand the importance of them. I can’t lie around and do nothing. I spend my spare time planning for the future. I hope he’ll feel this way too, but I can’t pressure him. I used to spend a lot of time planning for him.

In any case, I’m very confused at where my mental evolution is taking me. I don’t know what I can do about myself either. I’ve also stopped eating as much as before; I pretty much eat one meal each day, which is dinner. I don’t know what to do nowadays except do short-term planning. I’ve also got some issues with my parents—especially my mom—being irrationally controlling. Just for the record, I’m not being rebellious—I just think they should know I can pick out my own wardrobe without my mother. I’ve done it before so I don’t understand why they’re being so strict about having my mother around. Do they not trust me to factor in cost, quality, and style before I purchase them? Whatever it is, I don’t plan on ranting about it for too long since I will be attending a small reunion dinner later.

My life feels so uninspiring.

If you’ve ever asked yourself this question, I don’t blame you. You don’t need evidence of anything to ask yourself this question. I’m serious. You don’t need to see a scandalous picture in order to bring the topic up. Cheating can happen to everyone and by anyone. Indeed, people have made some kind of regulations you should follow in order to prevent cheating–but how are you so sure that it’s flawless? A real lover expresses their feelings in words and actions, and so do the fake ones. As I’m writing this, even I can’t differentiate a cheater from someone who actually loves me.

Athough it is okay to test once in a while, it doesn’t mean you should abuse it. Think about it–you really love someone but they constantly doubt you. That wouldn’t feel very nice. However, even if you trust them to sincerely love you back and maybe they do, it doesn’t  mean they won’t change later. It’s happened to me, unfortunately, and my ex told me that “people change” right after he broke up with me. However, that’s another case. You can’t trust anyone, not even your closest family or friends, but we do it anyway. 

It’s because you can’t prove their love for you.

I remember my friends that took philosophy said it is impossible to prove the existence of anything but yourself. It made me realize that it’s true. The only things that are real are the feelings and thoughts of yourself. You believe something is there–even if it may not be there. When we are sad, we are thinking we are sad. What we see out the window, probably isn’t there. But why do we still think it exists? Because we think it exists. We came in this world alone, believe it or not, and it ends up being our world. The world actually belongs to us because the world is what we see it as (or what we want to see it as). In a way, it’s like saying that ghosts don’t exist unless you believe in them. The same applies here.

If by chance you think someone is seriously cheating on you, and I mean–with a whole affair going on, delve yourself into the facts. Don’t run away, because it’ll only hurt you more in the end. Refusing to know the details is the perfect way to hurt yourself. Recently, I basically found someone else and I left someone for him. If we all look at this big vague picture, it seems like I’m a player. I really hope I’m not viewed in that perspective because a lot happened for it to end up this way. It’d be a little redundant to rephrase what happened but my ex was so kind, he told me that if I could be happier wtih someone else, then I should go. Even today, I’m uncertain as to whether I made the right choice because these two are both wonderful individuals. I’ve been wondering if my new boyfriend has real feelings for me, for not much reason, and I haven’t held back from telling him I’m a bit suspicious. He understands because he did in fact change drastically these few years but he tells me he likes how he is now. We never know when they’ll change again though.

However, girls are not the only ones that can be cheated. Gold diggers? They exist too. Guys can be equally insecure in terms of their relationships. They usually don’t say anything about it, but they really should! There isn’t any way to find out if the girls are lying either because I’m pretty sure most girls are fantastic fakers. 

In summary, there is no answer to the topic above because it is really just a figment of your imagination. Just as a real lover will give you flowers, so will the cheater. Just as a real lover can be shy and seemingly honest, so can a cheater. There are couples that have been married for longer we have been born filing for divorce. It is entirely up to you and if you think you love them, you should also try to trust them. If it doesn’t work out in the end, oh well–there can only be next time.

Have you heard of human rights? Did you know that we’re all equal under the eyes of law and society? Of course you did, but are these rights limited to humans? When we think about it, they are. For some reason, we are called superior beings to almost all creatures on this Earth with developed systems to perform multiple tasks and achieve the goals which our minds fabricate. Why is this so? Why do we place human life before others’? It is more important to us to save a human than to save an ant, a bear, or a tree. 

However, that is indecent and cruel. While we can fight for our rights as equal humans, man or woman, black or white, and young or old, these creatures cannot. These animals breathe, speak, think, dream, and love like we do. Their bodies are as unique as our’s. The earth would not be the same without each other. But why–I must ask, why. Why are we so much more important than our counterparts? When somebody’s pet dies, you can’t simply say “You can just buy another one. It’s just an animal.” When a child steps on an ant, killing it in the process, you can’t say, “It’s just an ant. It’s not like you killed an endangered animal.” Put yourselves in the shoes of the vulnerable–no, not just vulnerable humans– the vulnerable animals and insects. Put yourselves in the shoes of God’s creations. The ones who truly cannot speak and cannot move others. When we demolish forests and uproot trees, we cannot say, “We’ll just plant another one.” 

What we’re dealing with is life.

We can all agree that life is essential and precious, but what we usually mean is human life. We’re advocating for an end to racism, class discrimination, and age discrimination but it’ll never happen. When the most important element in this world, life, is abused, there is no hope. 

I admit that I have done my part in mercilessly slaying insects because of my intolerance when they bother me. However, I do let them live on as long as they don’t fly into my sight every single second. If they don’t pose a threat to me, I don’t pose a threat to them. Of course, this does skew my message of life as portrayed earlier in this post, but you can think of it as self-defense.

In any case, what I’m trying to get to is, my family bought a reef tank recently. I’ve already been burdened with my university deadlines but just for making my life harder, we got a reef tank. Now, it’s not necessarily a bad thing because I’ve witnessed the true bad qualities of some family members for real. Only at the cost of five lives, and counting. It’s not only about the cost of these fish, because surely there were some expensive ones, but their lives. They were forced out of their homes–away from their families and piled up together with hundreds of its own kind. Of course, only a few survive these conditions and they are quickly brought to the selling point. They are then adjusted to totally different water, which is quite difficult for them, especially due to the stress they suffered not very long ago. These fish may even need to be treated by chemicals, often copper, which puts their life on the line. In any case, the fish may be bought within hours or days and are adjusted to new water again. There are plenty of complexities afterwards–such as the fish being bullied, attacked–even killed by other creatures, infected, or badly treated. In my case, our fish died because of the lack of research. The fish quickly developed ich, so some died and some are dying. 

It might not sound like a big deal but once again, I ask you to put yourselves in their shoes. Starting from being kidnapped from home. How would it feel if you were struggling in the water, trying to keep awake from death’s lullaby, and your owner just stares back at you? How would it feel if you begged for help with your last breath–no, you can barely even breathe. Your gills pulsing mad like your heartbeat. How would it feel if your owner turned his/her back on you while all of this happened? Prepared your grave for you while you struggled and longed to live? Never shed a tear for you, after all that you’ve been through? And all of this could have been prevented, you know this very well. They had been watching since day one a parasite latched onto you. They did nothing, and you could do nothing but try to rub it off a rock. It only came off to multiply into hundreds more. You knew there was time and hoped one day your owner could get you out of there. You wanted to live, but now they’re waiting for you to die. 

If this is what the world has come to, I wouldn’t say human life is precious at all.

The things that we don’t think of much are often the most interesting things. I sure don’t think about my poo a lot but if something does happen like if it came out in a strange colour, I would panick. Of course, this can be avoided with proper equipment. I mean, my poo could be continuously deteriorating in health and I wouldn’t know it. What if two days later, my poo gets significantly pale-coloured but I had no idea because I forgot how my poo was two days ago! 

Thanks to Google Shopping and my curious search of “poo” just for fun, I stumbled across a very useful tool called the Poo Log. I would encourage people to use the Poo Log for a number of reasons, of which I’m sure you would know why. You can find it at Chronicle Books from this link. There are other titles that can be useful too, such as What’s Your Poo Telling You? and What’s Your Poo Telling You? 2009/10 Calendar. Here’s an excerpt from Chronicle Books,

Poo Log — Finally, what every bathroom has been waiting for—the Poo Log, a journal for recording and studying the wondrous uniqueness of each bowel movement. With an extensive glossary, handy reference checklists, interesting nuggets throughout, this journal makes every trip to the can an e-loo-cidating experience. Who knew one could learn so much from poo?
Anish Sheth, MD, is a gastroenterology fellow at Yale University and lives in Connecticut.

Josh Richman has an MBA from Stanford University and lives in the San Francisco Bay Area.

You  can also find a short but very informative and amusing video on the link I have provided above. Don’t miss out on this amazing book. There are bound to be times an emergency happens and the resources are not on your fingertips. 

Get the Poo Log and/or the corresponding book and calendar.

On the morn of Christmas, one would expect at least a feast together with the family and a gift or two. Maybe some laughter and some cheer especially from the Catholic and Christian families. However, the most exciting part would probably be the gift exchanging but most of us expected it wasn’t going to come. To be honest, I didn’t even know Christmas was coming! I had no idea yesterday was Christmas Eve until I asked someone to go to the library on that day or the day after. 

Christmas has never played too big of a part to my family. Genuinely speaking here, we have different ideas of Christmas. Inside, we know that it is the birth of Jesus and that we should pray, go to Church, and read the Bible together but we don’t. My father thinks of it as another day of the holidays, my mom has an excuse to decorate the house with poisettias, my brother thinks of  it as a bargaining opportunity, and I used to think of it as the day I obtain presents which I probably don’t deserve. I don’t know what Christmas is in the mind of my oldest brother, since he’s never celebrated it with us for years. It looks like my brother and I suffered under Santa’s bankruptcy the most.

As I had mentioned, inside we have expected that this Christmas would not be as “full”. This expectation came unsuspecting into our lives, just like how the recession slipped into mine. Everyday feels the same to me, even though I know the entire world is affected. It’s like silently and slowly injecting a disease into somebody, and not having him/her realize what is happening or will happen to him/her. Life would still taste the same.

Santa would probably be sad if he heard that. Countless companies have closed down, including Santa’s. While it somewhat promotes the idea of bringing the true Christmas out of everyone, it’s not so good in Santa’s case. This year, he would not be able to pay his elves, feed his reindeer, purchase toy-making materials, feed his family, and decorate  his home and tree. Santa wouldn’t be able to provide us with those nice little gifts–whether we deserve it or not.

On the news, people are starting to appreciate “Christmas” they say. Due to the economic crisis, people are starting to put themselves in the shoes of the poor and homeless. In result, they are giving more to those needy people. Well, I guess we’ll need to thank the recession for this. Santa’ll need to pack up and move to a new home. It must be costly to live up in the north. Santa isn’t an exception to the crisis after all.

I honestly don’t know what’s happening with this world with all these nasty personalities. While some are ridiculously fake, most people like to pay more attention to their appearances. At first, I thought that was okay but I realized that there is nothing more disgusting than that. I realized that no matter how good looking a guy is, I wouldn’t consider him even if he decides to choose me. I think most girls would usually swine over a hot guy but not me– I want to know him first. I think I’m picky when it comes to guys but to some girls, probably not; my boyfriend doesn’t really care about how he steps out the door. And I’m glad he isn’t that self-conscious. 

I also realize I’ve been hanging out with fewer and fewer friends recently. It’s not like we have nothing in common or to talk about but it’s because we don’t share the same views on the most important thing in my life: love. I honestly think that’s the only thing in the world that could flip somebody’s life upside down for no logical reason, except for the fact you love them. I’ve been looking for some people who share the same views as I do when it comes to love and it hasn’t been going well. I have many candidates but when they post up shallow and disagreeable quotes on their MSN personal message, it’s over. I mean, I have a little heated discussion with them about it and you know that the friendship is all cold water. It just happened, just for the record. I know for a fact that there is no candidate that shares the same views as I do. So far, only my boyfriend does… and he does it even better than I do!

Basically, I believe that a nasty personality is the biggest turn-off ever in the entire world. Not even in relationship-wise, but in any way possible!

If there was a pretty girl with a nasty attitude, I wouldn’t even think about being her friend. I’d ask the ugliest girl to be my friend hiding in the corner because compared to the ugly girl, she’s the sparkle in a dark tunnel. I admire and trust my boyfriend (which I think I should do). He never has an opinion on anything (which is not always a good thing). I bet if I asked him which mug I should buy, he wouldn’t have an opinion either. He’d probably have an opinion after trying the mug out or testing its functionality–which is the right thing to do. He wouldn’t pick a fancy mug with a poor handle like I would’ve. 

I’ve learned to become a little less shallow, in short. I’m still responsible for perking up my boyfriend’s style before I introduce him to my parents (since they’re all judgemental on appearance). I see a lot of potential in him, not only because he has a great personality, so I think it’ll all work out fine. Sometimes, this “pretty boy” who is extremely self-conscious would give my boyfriend some suggestions on how to do his hair. I know my boyfriend isn’t going to do it because who has the time to do that?! Even I would rather play a game during my break time. I really don’t understand some people…

Let’s just say, I don’t need any point system to help me find a good boyfriend. I was lucky enough to find him and no point system would ever help me find happiness.

3:46 PM

My life is just as good as it could ever be. I’ve gotten my mind off school for the past few days, regretably. Just for the record, there’s no particular purpose in me writing this entry– I just want to look back one day and think, “so this is how my life was back on…November 8th, 2008″. This might be interesting to people who are curious about some random teenage Chinese Canadian girl’s life.  

For the past few weeks, I’ve had people badgering me from time to time about this club I want to start. I personally think it’s a good idea and I haven’t gotten any criticism yet. It’s going to be called the Asian Student Association. I know that it’s going to be somewhat controversial because it’s focused on Asia and its culture but I actually have a very good reason for this. Besides the fact that I am Asian, I’m starting to get really annoyed at the amount of attention Africa is getting. I know they’re poor, miserable, and sick, but so are the people in Asia. These organizations claim to be working towards ending world poverty but all I’ve been seeing is ending the poverty in Africa. Also, I like pandas and I don’t want them to disappear from the face of the earth. I’m sure there are people who’ll agree with me on that. Anyways, there are a lot of misconceptions of being “Asian” despite the population of Asians all over the world. Just because these Chinatown restaurants have mice running all over the place doesn’t mean all Chinese restaurants do. Just because some Chinese drivers are ridiculous doesn’t mean all of them are. Even Chinese people are starting to discriminate themselves! For some reason, there’s a border between Mainland Chinese, Hong Kong Chinese, and probably Taiwanese Chinese. In any case, I want to clear these misconceptions in everyone’s mind. It’d be fun to teach Asian culture and learn a few things myself. We could make tofu….All this is starting to sound like a Chinese club because I’m Chinese but I plan to start a committee with an individual representing each Asian…culture. Sounds good, right? Now I just need to run it through administration when the time is right…

My units are okay, I’m not too behind because I’ve only recently stopped working consistently. I have confidence that I can go back on track any time I want but I really shouldn’t be procrastinating any longer. I wouldn’t want my workload to accumulate. Relaxing and doing nothing is so enjoyable though! I’ll edit this post later and record the time… Time to work on something else.

Exams with essays in them should be computerized. I hate it when I’m timed to write essays. Why do we have to write essays? Nowadays, nobody writes out their homework so our writing speeds are on an all-time low. At least for me, I feel like I’m writing slower than I’ve ever written in elementary school. I can write fast but only if people don’t mind seeing a slur of lines that vaguely represent words. It’s disappointing that I have no other way but to draw such lines on my tests or exams, as long as it’s somewhat legible.

However if exams were computerized–as in computer exams– life would be so much easier! I type much faster than I could ever write! I don’t actually mind doing anything else like writing short answer questions but if I’m going to have to write a whole essay, I’ll need some time to prepare an outline. I don’t think the time they give us is enough especially because we’re such technology-reliant kids. And no, I also don’t think it is our fault we are slow in writing; I thought we were tested on our knowledge and application skills, not our writing speed. 

Think of it this way, I hate the feeling when I have so much I want to write but I’m racing against the clock to write it. If you told me to write a few hundred words in a minute, I would have great difficulty in completing that task. If you told me to write a few hundred words, like I am doing now, it is nothing. In any case, I thought they were testing on our knowledge, application, and communication skills–what is going on now? Are they going to add an extra category to mark by? Writing speed? Calligraphy? It’s ridiculous.

Aside from our own convenience, we are doing the environment a huge favour since we’re always throwing away our old computers and devices. Why not use these old computers to help students write essays? All they need to do is hook it up to the network and have students type out the essay on word. Whatever safety configurations could be done by any basic computer programmer you could pull out of the shelf. I could probably do something! Anyways, we’re also saving resources by reusing these computers. Say goodbye to paper, pen, pencils, lead, erasers, white-out, or other easily-used-up items! You save countless trees and other objects by simply writing an exam on the computer.

Editing the essay is also easy to do when you’re typing it up on the computer. Relating back to the resources, nobody needs to use their precious eraser/white-out and then write something over again. Why waste white-out or pen ink when you could backspace? 

I believe exams should be fully computerized but I also understand that teachers don’t have the time in this world to complete computerizing everything. I’ll be fine if they only redid the essay compoents of my exams! It’s highly unlikely but it’s good to dream. I hope I live the day when they decide to do this.

I followed most paths that my fellow students took– I was baptized and received my share of the Sacraments as I grew up. I grew up living under the natural law that we must follow God’s principles and laws given to us since the beginning of time. At the same time, I began to question some of the content in the Bible. It may sound sacraligious at first– and maybe it is– but I don’t consider it sacraligious because the prophets wrote the Bible and not God himself. The only document given to use by God were the Ten Commandments and I believe those ten commandments are the most solid and profound set of rules ever made since our planet was created.

We are often called to be “children” because they are pure at heart and distinctively know right from wrong. People have forgotten that children have no worries of tomorrow’s meal because they are supported by their parents. People have forgotten that children are completely oblivious to the insecurities and dangers of the world–and are often discouraged from being told these truths. Why are we called to act like children then? To be stepped all over and believe that we are still in a beautiful world? Should we really let others take everything away from us for their own benefit, even if they don’t need it, and still bless them? If this is considered “good”, then I believe there will also be more “evil”. That is, balance of the world, after all. 

As for our Catholic social teaching, what are they honestly trying to do in school? The first two years they skim through little chronicles of our lives, seeing if we are actually writing about what we’re supposed to, and giving us generally high marks. The third year, I took art religion which heavily depended on the symbolism in my art and how accurately I analyzed religion through art, which I believe I did well. Here I am, in my fourth and last year of taking religion and they are evaluating our morals. But hey, guess what I got for my morals? 75%. I must be a very bad person, huh?

But look at it this way, the story was about a woman who was given a job offer except the job offer had to do with animal testing. She is sensitive to animal cruelty apparently and does not know what to do because her the workforce hasn’t been very promising. She also has a lot of loans from the school and her parents. I ended up writing what I thought. Except the price of being honest is to obtain a 75%. And I’m not screwing with any of my courses, I’m trying extra hard this year for all my courses. I’m actually working so hard that I need a nap once I come home from school. Actually, I just fall asleep–I don’t even have a choice. So there are people out there who are unsatisfied with ther 85% for their unit, and you know, they aren’t honest people. Suckups to teachers, a bonus! If they are honestly trying to teach us to be better Christians, they really shouldn’t force students to lie. 

In any case, I’m saying this out of my rage and I don’t have all the time in the world to continue ranting. There are absolutely a lot of things that I question in religion but for now, it’ll be an area I don’t want to touch until tomorrow. I’ll see if I can extract any flaws in my work after consulting with the teacher, even though I see nothing wrong with the processes that I took to reach my own decision. Time will tell.