I Don’t Recognize Myself

This blog has been on hiatus for way too long. I didn’t really have anything to write about until now. Just to update, I have been accepted to the university and the program I wanted to go to all along. I apparently don’t do well on timed essays; thus, I didn’t make it to the stream I wanted to go into. I want to look at it as an accomplishment though: I beat 700-800 people that just like me at it. I only didn’t beat 80. I have to keep telling myself to focus on what I have to do now and for the future. My father keeps bringing it up though, and I know—I know I should have done better.

My summer has been hectic and exciting because there is so much I want to do, but so much I’m already doing now. Unlike the other summers, there haven’t been many days that I have absolutely nothing to do. For instance, I have been planning to visit my aunt in Montreal in early August with my boyfriend. That itself is another problem. However, what I really want to share is how I can’t recognize myself anymore. I can’t look in the mirror and say, “that’s me.”

I didn’t go through any cosmetic surgery either. I didn’t start wearing makeup. I see myself in the mirror when I brush my teeth or when I dress up every single day. For some reason, I can’t see myself as ‘myself’ anymore. It doesn’t make any sense. My boyfriend told me that it’s probably because I’m undergoing a mental change. Is that true? Does everything feel the same way when they experience mental changes? How come I’ve never felt this until now?

It bothers me but at the same time, it makes me insecure. I’m not mature as others say I am; I feel very insecure about my image. When I used to recognize myself, I was convinced by my friends that I was “over the average” based on looks. I was happy with that because I honestly want to make myself as presentable as I could be. With that in mind, I realized that only close friends would judge me out of the blue. I would, obviously, receive more lavished compliments from those who displayed feelings towards me. I asked one of my good guy friends last night about my image. He commented, saying that my new haircut is a nice improvement—which I openly admit. Other than that, he said and added nothing. In other words, I’m average. I understand that looking “average” is virtually advantageous to looking “over average” and looking “under average” for a number of reasons. But as a girl who used to believe that she was over average for a long period of time, it’s quite a fall. Why does it even matter? It matters a lot for me to be as presentable to everyone I meet.

I don’t think there’s a direct correlation between the realization of that I’m an average-looking girl to me not realizing myself though. I’ve felt like I’m not myself for quite a while now, before I realized that I was an ordinary-looking girl. There isn’t anything I can do about not being able to recognize myself in the mirror but I was hoping to find some solace in writing about it. Perhaps someone out there has felt the same way at some point in their lives and would like to share it with me.

If I haven’t changed physically, then I must have changed mentally—just as my boyfriend said. I think it could be true because I’m starting to open my eyes to more options in this world. It really isn’t about making it to the top of the world. It’s more about enjoying the life we have now. I wasn’t brought up to think this way but falling so many times (and falling in love this time) has made me see much more. I feel like I’m still growing—I literally feel it. I don’t stick by those credentials as much anymore when I’m interested in someone. The riches, the looks, the intelligence, the good family upbringing…should I still be looking closely into those? I feel that I still stick by them, as shallow as I can be, because I believe people can change. My family expects and trusts me to find a good husband who would satisfy all those credentials. Those credentials will help ensure that my family will be stable and not have to worry about the lack of necessities in life. I’m hoping that while my boyfriend is influencing me to enjoy the simple luxuries of life, I will also influence him to plan and work for the future so that he can enjoy the finer luxuries of life. My family and a couple of friends still think that I can “find someone better” but I don’t want to. Those credentials are important but it doesn’t mean that he can’t grow into them. Take me for example: I didn’t care about looks, grades, planning, family, or money as a kid. Now as I’m turning 18 in a few weeks, I understand the importance of them. I can’t lie around and do nothing. I spend my spare time planning for the future. I hope he’ll feel this way too, but I can’t pressure him. I used to spend a lot of time planning for him.

In any case, I’m very confused at where my mental evolution is taking me. I don’t know what I can do about myself either. I’ve also stopped eating as much as before; I pretty much eat one meal each day, which is dinner. I don’t know what to do nowadays except do short-term planning. I’ve also got some issues with my parents—especially my mom—being irrationally controlling. Just for the record, I’m not being rebellious—I just think they should know I can pick out my own wardrobe without my mother. I’ve done it before so I don’t understand why they’re being so strict about having my mother around. Do they not trust me to factor in cost, quality, and style before I purchase them? Whatever it is, I don’t plan on ranting about it for too long since I will be attending a small reunion dinner later.

My life feels so uninspiring.

Cheating on me?

If you’ve ever asked yourself this question, I don’t blame you. You don’t need evidence of anything to ask yourself this question. I’m serious. You don’t need to see a scandalous picture in order to bring the topic up. Cheating can happen to everyone and by anyone. Indeed, people have made some kind of regulations you should follow in order to prevent cheating–but how are you so sure that it’s flawless? A real lover expresses their feelings in words and actions, and so do the fake ones. As I’m writing this, even I can’t differentiate a cheater from someone who actually loves me.

Athough it is okay to test once in a while, it doesn’t mean you should abuse it. Think about it–you really love someone but they constantly doubt you. That wouldn’t feel very nice. However, even if you trust them to sincerely love you back and maybe they do, it doesn’t  mean they won’t change later. It’s happened to me, unfortunately, and my ex told me that “people change” right after he broke up with me. However, that’s another case. You can’t trust anyone, not even your closest family or friends, but we do it anyway. 

It’s because you can’t prove their love for you.

Every life is the same. Human or not.

Have you heard of human rights? Did you know that we’re all equal under the eyes of law and society? Of course you did, but are these rights limited to humans? When we think about it, they are. For some reason, we are called superior beings to almost all creatures on this Earth with developed systems to perform multiple tasks and achieve the goals which our minds fabricate. Why is this so? Why do we place human life before others’? It is more important to us to save a human than to save an ant, a bear, or a tree. 

However, that is indecent and cruel. While we can fight for our rights as equal humans, man or woman, black or white, and young or old, these creatures cannot. These animals breathe, speak, think, dream, and love like we do. Their bodies are as unique as our’s. The earth would not be the same without each other. But why–I must ask, why. Why are we so much more important than our counterparts? When somebody’s pet dies, you can’t simply say “You can just buy another one. It’s just an animal.” When a child steps on an ant, killing it in the process, you can’t say, “It’s just an ant. It’s not like you killed an endangered animal.” Put yourselves in the shoes of the vulnerable–no, not just vulnerable humans– the vulnerable animals and insects. Put yourselves in the shoes of God’s creations. The ones who truly cannot speak and cannot move others. When we demolish forests and uproot trees, we cannot say, “We’ll just plant another one.” 

What we’re dealing with is life.

Santa filed for bankruptcy protection.

On the morn of Christmas, one would expect at least a feast together with the family and a gift or two. Maybe some laughter and some cheer especially from the Catholic and Christian families. However, the most exciting part would probably be the gift exchanging but most of us expected it wasn’t going to come. To be honest, I didn’t even know Christmas was coming! I had no idea yesterday was Christmas Eve until I asked someone to go to the library on that day or the day after. 

Christmas has never played too big of a part to my family. Genuinely speaking here, we have different ideas of Christmas. Inside, we know that it is the birth of Jesus and that we should pray, go to Church, and read the Bible together but we don’t. My father thinks of it as another day of the holidays, my mom has an excuse to decorate the house with poisettias, my brother thinks of  it as a bargaining opportunity, and I used to think of it as the day I obtain presents which I probably don’t deserve. I don’t know what Christmas is in the mind of my oldest brother, since he’s never celebrated it with us for years. It looks like my brother and I suffered under Santa’s bankruptcy the most.

As I had mentioned, inside we have expected that this Christmas would not be as “full”. This expectation came unsuspecting into our lives, just like how the recession slipped into mine. Everyday feels the same to me, even though I know the entire world is affected. It’s like silently and slowly injecting a disease into somebody, and not having him/her realize what is happening or will happen to him/her. Life would still taste the same.

Santa would probably be sad if he heard that. Countless companies have closed down, including Santa’s. While it somewhat promotes the idea of bringing the true Christmas out of everyone, it’s not so good in Santa’s case. This year, he would not be able to pay his elves, feed his reindeer, purchase toy-making materials, feed his family, and decorate  his home and tree. Santa wouldn’t be able to provide us with those nice little gifts–whether we deserve it or not.

On the news, people are starting to appreciate “Christmas” they say. Due to the economic crisis, people are starting to put themselves in the shoes of the poor and homeless. In result, they are giving more to those needy people. Well, I guess we’ll need to thank the recession for this. Santa’ll need to pack up and move to a new home. It must be costly to live up in the north. Santa isn’t an exception to the crisis after all.

The biggest turn-off.

I honestly don’t know what’s happening with this world with all these nasty personalities. While some are ridiculously fake, most people like to pay more attention to their appearances. At first, I thought that was okay but I realized that there is nothing more disgusting than that. I realized that no matter how good looking a guy is, I wouldn’t consider him even if he decides to choose me. I think most girls would usually swine over a hot guy but not me– I want to know him first. I think I’m picky when it comes to guys but to some girls, probably not; my boyfriend doesn’t really care about how he steps out the door. And I’m glad he isn’t that self-conscious. 

I also realize I’ve been hanging out with fewer and fewer friends recently. It’s not like we have nothing in common or to talk about but it’s because we don’t share the same views on the most important thing in my life: love. I honestly think that’s the only thing in the world that could flip somebody’s life upside down for no logical reason, except for the fact you love them. I’ve been looking for some people who share the same views as I do when it comes to love and it hasn’t been going well. I have many candidates but when they post up shallow and disagreeable quotes on their MSN personal message, it’s over. I mean, I have a little heated discussion with them about it and you know that the friendship is all cold water. It just happened, just for the record. I know for a fact that there is no candidate that shares the same views as I do. So far, only my boyfriend does… and he does it even better than I do!

Basically, I believe that a nasty personality is the biggest turn-off ever in the entire world. Not even in relationship-wise, but in any way possible!

I think exams should be computerized.

Exams with essays in them should be computerized. I hate it when I’m timed to write essays. Why do we have to write essays? Nowadays, nobody writes out their homework so our writing speeds are on an all-time low. At least for me, I feel like I’m writing slower than I’ve ever written in elementary school. I can write fast but only if people don’t mind seeing a slur of lines that vaguely represent words. It’s disappointing that I have no other way but to draw such lines on my tests or exams, as long as it’s somewhat legible.

However if exams were computerized–as in computer exams– life would be so much easier! I type much faster than I could ever write! I don’t actually mind doing anything else like writing short answer questions but if I’m going to have to write a whole essay, I’ll need some time to prepare an outline. I don’t think the time they give us is enough especially because we’re such technology-reliant kids. And no, I also don’t think it is our fault we are slow in writing; I thought we were tested on our knowledge and application skills, not our writing speed. 

Think of it this way, I hate the feeling when I have so much I want to write but I’m racing against the clock to write it. If you told me to write a few hundred words in a minute, I would have great difficulty in completing that task. If you told me to write a few hundred words, like I am doing now, it is nothing. In any case, I thought they were testing on our knowledge, application, and communication skills–what is going on now? Are they going to add an extra category to mark by? Writing speed? Calligraphy? It’s ridiculous.

Aside from our own convenience, we are doing the environment a huge favour since we’re always throwing away our old computers and devices. Why not use these old computers to help students write essays? All they need to do is hook it up to the network and have students type out the essay on word. Whatever safety configurations could be done by any basic computer programmer you could pull out of the shelf. I could probably do something! Anyways, we’re also saving resources by reusing these computers. Say goodbye to paper, pen, pencils, lead, erasers, white-out, or other easily-used-up items! You save countless trees and other objects by simply writing an exam on the computer.

Editing the essay is also easy to do when you’re typing it up on the computer. Relating back to the resources, nobody needs to use their precious eraser/white-out and then write something over again. Why waste white-out or pen ink when you could backspace? 

I believe exams should be fully computerized but I also understand that teachers don’t have the time in this world to complete computerizing everything. I’ll be fine if they only redid the essay compoents of my exams! It’s highly unlikely but it’s good to dream. I hope I live the day when they decide to do this.

Evaluating my morals.

I followed most paths that my fellow students took– I was baptized and received my share of the Sacraments as I grew up. I grew up living under the natural law that we must follow God’s principles and laws given to us since the beginning of time. At the same time, I began to question some of the content in the Bible. It may sound sacraligious at first– and maybe it is– but I don’t consider it sacraligious because the prophets wrote the Bible and not God himself. The only document given to use by God were the Ten Commandments and I believe those ten commandments are the most solid and profound set of rules ever made since our planet was created.

We are often called to be “children” because they are pure at heart and distinctively know right from wrong. People have forgotten that children have no worries of tomorrow’s meal because they are supported by their parents. People have forgotten that children are completely oblivious to the insecurities and dangers of the world–and are often discouraged from being told these truths. Why are we called to act like children then? To be stepped all over and believe that we are still in a beautiful world? Should we really let others take everything away from us for their own benefit, even if they don’t need it, and still bless them? If this is considered “good”, then I believe there will also be more “evil”. That is, balance of the world, after all. 

As for our Catholic social teaching, what are they honestly trying to do in school? The first two years they skim through little chronicles of our lives, seeing if we are actually writing about what we’re supposed to, and giving us generally high marks. The third year, I took art religion which heavily depended on the symbolism in my art and how accurately I analyzed religion through art, which I believe I did well. Here I am, in my fourth and last year of taking religion and they are evaluating our morals. But hey, guess what I got for my morals? 75%. I must be a very bad person, huh?

But look at it this way, the story was about a woman who was given a job offer except the job offer had to do with animal testing. She is sensitive to animal cruelty apparently and does not know what to do because her the workforce hasn’t been very promising. She also has a lot of loans from the school and her parents. I ended up writing what I thought. Except the price of being honest is to obtain a 75%. And I’m not screwing with any of my courses, I’m trying extra hard this year for all my courses. I’m actually working so hard that I need a nap once I come home from school. Actually, I just fall asleep–I don’t even have a choice. So there are people out there who are unsatisfied with ther 85% for their unit, and you know, they aren’t honest people. Suckups to teachers, a bonus! If they are honestly trying to teach us to be better Christians, they really shouldn’t force students to lie. 

In any case, I’m saying this out of my rage and I don’t have all the time in the world to continue ranting. There are absolutely a lot of things that I question in religion but for now, it’ll be an area I don’t want to touch until tomorrow. I’ll see if I can extract any flaws in my work after consulting with the teacher, even though I see nothing wrong with the processes that I took to reach my own decision. Time will tell.

Players and Ex-Players

A few weeks ago, I met an “ex-player” who eventually started to like me. Whether this is true or not, I can’t tell at all. How do I know that he is still a player but using the title of an “ex-player” to play? In any case, I am constantly reminded that there is no need to be concerned with him because I already have a boyfriend. And I, wholeheartedly agree that I must devote myself to my boyfriend as he has devoted himself to me. A bit of drama happened here and there but the purpose of my entry today is to debate what separates a player and an ex-player.

You may think that an ex-player would stop playing once he’s experienced love. I have found evidence that players are capable of possessing both a lover they need and lovers they want. If they found out, the guy would only have to say “I want them but I need you.” Then there would be a question of his happiness being stripped from him because men apparently cannot practice abstinence according to him. The good girlfriend would probably not want to “strip” his happiness and remain with him. Of course, those girlfriends are probably dumb. Players also come in two types: successful and unsuccessful. These players take up a large percentage of men apparently. There is rarely a grey area. If you are a player, you either play a girl for whatever reason, be it lust or pity, or you have no girls. Both are equally desperate people in heart and usually take it to great lengths to build strong relationships with girls, hopefully acquiring a good catch. To prevent being played is impossible. Love itself is a risk.

A girl who plays with boys.

I always thought of myself as a special case when I was in elementary school. I was alone and shy when I first entered kindergarten. I wore jeans and didn’t like to talk to anyone but if I had to, I’d rather to talk to a male. At home, I was heavily influenced by my brothers who always did “boyish things” like play video games and wrestle. Other than that, I didn’t really talk at home either. Whenever I spoke, I was ignored so I realized I should just save myself from embarrassment and keep myself shut. It easily became a habit to be quiet but I really wanted to speak out and tell everyone my opinions. It was hard to express my opinion in my family when the closest person to my age in my family is seven years my senior. So at school, I couldn’t speak or associate myself with others; there were no video games or wrestles after all.

When I entered Grade 1, I learnt something called recess where I met my first “friends”. Naturally, they were boys and they were all wrestling with each other. They weren’t tough at all and most were afraid of me. I could withstand a lot of physical pain from the boys and some of their older brothers, but I was emotionally weak. I felt like I belonged with those people I fought with because that was how I got along with my brothers. But as I glanced at the other girls and boys, they were playing ball games or chatting happily. I never understood how to do that or why they did. To them, I was an oddball who couldn’t do more than fight. Even though I was somewhat a tomboy, I did develop some crushes but even the slightest intimacy was never reciprocated because of my reputation and personality.

The boys later developed a code of conduct that they “must not hit girls”. At the time, I knew they were trying to be gentlemen. I tried to reason with them, telling them not to look down on me because I was a girl. It didn’t work out, because they’d just play somewhere else if I was around. Most girls would take advantage of this and not get hit, but I felt this was the only way I’d belong. I started to hate recesses because I would just stray around the playground. I spent a great deal of my recesses watching others chat and play games. Sometimes, I would play tag with the rest of my class. The game would always have one gender chasing the other; I don’t even know why. I have a feeling it’s because of the tag games we’d play during phys. ed.

The hatred towards Chinese people.

I’ve heard it all–Chinese people are rude, bad drivers, immoral, greedy, thieves, employment thieves, dirty, and cruel. Even though I live and was born in the heart of the supposedly multicultural Canada, I often feel unwelcomed. When I was learning to drive, sometimes people would give me dirty looks even when it was their fault. It’s unfair when they should be excused for their faults and we should take the blame. It’s unfair when they think they know who I am or how I act.

Today, I believed there was hope. I believed that maybe people would stop thinking of Chinese people as merely pigs, dogs, and rats. At the Beijing Olympics 2008, every nation looked up to China as a beautiful and aspiring country. I was impressed with the effort and results of the opening ceremony. I thought that for once, every nation had set aside their negative impressions of the people of China. Maybe people would begin to acknowledge the Chinese, but I was wrong.