I don’t consider my love life a journey through many paths, but it just has a lot of ups and downs. I’m always told not to turn around and linger in my past because it’s already gone. I feel like I remember every path I’ve considered and every path I’ve taken. I feel like I could turn around and walk back the way I came. But life doesn’t work that way. I know, because I’ve tried.
We know that, sometimes, its not our faults but it just turns out to be. A “change in personality”, they say. That happened twice to me. Two of my most cherished relationships ended because they claim to have their personalities changed overnight.
My first relationship ended because he seemed to prefer gaming over me. All of my friends thought he was a jerk anyway, not that I disagreed. But at the time, I didn’t think I could share those feelings with anybody else. Then, my second relationship “changed” on me but I know that it was my fault somehow. At the moment, I consider him to be my most important “ex” because he really did change the way I saw life. It felt like his life was always a step before mine. It felt like he was guiding me through. We were both cheering each other up because we were both quite pessimistic teenagers at the time. So, he changed because he probably got tired of me worrying over his breakdowns. I thought that was normal, but that might have gotten on his nerves. Anyway, he was a pretty heartless jerk too. Worse after he broke up with me. But I still wanted to be with him, even when he was treating me so cold. I don’t even know why he’s so important to me even today, when he was such a jerk.
That is really what’s bothering me. At this point in my life, I know it’s impossible to reverse time and actually, it would be better if it didn’t. I’m happier than I’ve ever been with any other guy right now. Since I’m still friends with my ex’s, especially my most-cherished ex, I sometimes talk to him. And when we talk, sometimes I reminisce of the past when we used to be together– the happy and the bad times. I really want to forget. Even though I can let go of my ex’s, those memories…are there forever. Even though they can feel good, it hurts that it ended up like that. I end up feeling like there’s something wrong with me, something I don’t know but I want to know. I want to know what I did wrong. Until then, I feel like I can’t let go.
