Unappreciative

Not long ago, I broke up with someone who was very close to me. It does not make sense to a lot of people nor do I actually think anyone knows what happened. It was an event that spanned across the remainder of a summer and ended just when the leaves were about to fall. It would make even less sense to those who rely solely on my blog posts to learn my life.

However, at the very end of the relationship, I found myself bombarded with questions that I was almost hesitant to answer every single time I heard them. Every time I heard the same various questions, I had different answers (or ideas of answers), which caused me to persistently avoid them. “What am I to you?” How am I supposed to answer that? I’m not attacking anyone by the way, but what exactly was the point of asking that? Should he become an even better person than he is now by the time he is here, he will be able to find out that answer for himself. At the moment, there is nothing that I could think of anyone– or at least anyone anymore. I could not have said this before but now, there is no other answer I could provide. “What have I done for you?” was another question that I could not find answers for. I don’t know for sure whether he really did not do anything for me or whether I’m simply unappreciative of what others do for me.

Unappreciative, that might as well be what I am. I’ll probably get back to this later.

Inside, I do know that everyone influences other people in a good sense and a bad sense. I hadn’t thought about it until now. When I was laying down on my bed under the presumption that I am tired, due to my suitemates’ comments on the dark bags around my eyes, I stared at a poster for a very long time. It was a poster I bought earlier in the year during a large-scale poster sale at the Student Life Centre on campus. At a glance, you would see warmly-toned trees, and a small consistent and soft stream of water pouring out from a source you cannot see because it is too blinding. There are rays of light coming from the source, and it might as well be the sun, if anything.

I wanted to be there. I placed a finger on the stream of water and I could feel it. I moved towards the trees, where they seemed to sway lightly, and I could feel it too. When placed my hand on the poster, my hand seemed to glow and there was a warmth I’ve never felt for a long time. It was all because I was with you, and this experience that I’ve never experienced before. No, rather, these individual experiences pieced together to make this one ultimate experience. The stream of water, like the time I went to the cottage with you, felt like the water that trailed at the end of the boat. The trees–and that warmth– feel exactly like how it was in Montreal by Mont Royal. If the clouds appear to have a silver lining, then the trees must have a golden lining. The warmth that I felt as I walked down the halls of trees was relived. I did not linger there any longer because I would have been lost forever. I did not want to forget this again: you have given me an important gift as a human being. You gave me valuable experiences that I will feel forever, whether I recognize them or not.

This brings to the topic that I do not appreciate the many things that I do have. Not to mention that it’s an important case for many individuals, especially those who accuse me of this serious crime. I am aware that I am a selfish person who is accustomed to the many luxuries most people do not have–such as loved ones or what they do for me. I have been in many relationships and the one action that one person does for me loses value very easily. A confession loses its meaning easily as I realize how easy it is to say it. I’m used to serving the person I love and I’m also use to being served by the person I love.

It is you, the people who accuse me, who make me think like this. The idea that I do not appreciate what others do for me is entirely wrong. I may be accustomed to all of this and that I may not remain on a single premise forever, but I definitely do not take these things for granted. I believe that there are certain things that need to proceed, to leave to improve, and so we all can come back as better people. The people who are often right, are only often right. You, the people who think you know me, are biased. You are the people who don’t confront others when there is a problem. You only complain behind backs. But not to worry, I am just like you. At least I acknowledge this.

This certainly isn’t the sort of comeback I intended to write as it served hardly any purpose. I do notice that my style of writing has slightly changed but I am not in the state of caring or thinking more excessively than I used to. Good night.

Decisions

I should not have to say this because we all know that my updates are never consistent. Recently, I’ve been so stressed out with the work and the things I have to deal with every single day. Additionally, I came to the conclusion of breaking up with Cameron until he enters my university. I’m hoping everything works out and in the mean time, we’ll be working and doing our own thing. I tried to suggest that we should date other people should we find that someone may or may not be better than each other. This thing doesn’t really concern me but what matters is that he can motivate himself to become better. I don’t want to be the sole reason why he’s doing what he’s doing.

I want to write more but I’m yawning every 5 seconds now. I shouldn’t have woken up at 6:30 am so early since I slept late, once again. Maybe I’ll write another time.

I Don’t Recognize Myself

This blog has been on hiatus for way too long. I didn’t really have anything to write about until now. Just to update, I have been accepted to the university and the program I wanted to go to all along. I apparently don’t do well on timed essays; thus, I didn’t make it to the stream I wanted to go into. I want to look at it as an accomplishment though: I beat 700-800 people that just like me at it. I only didn’t beat 80. I have to keep telling myself to focus on what I have to do now and for the future. My father keeps bringing it up though, and I know—I know I should have done better.

My summer has been hectic and exciting because there is so much I want to do, but so much I’m already doing now. Unlike the other summers, there haven’t been many days that I have absolutely nothing to do. For instance, I have been planning to visit my aunt in Montreal in early August with my boyfriend. That itself is another problem. However, what I really want to share is how I can’t recognize myself anymore. I can’t look in the mirror and say, “that’s me.”

I didn’t go through any cosmetic surgery either. I didn’t start wearing makeup. I see myself in the mirror when I brush my teeth or when I dress up every single day. For some reason, I can’t see myself as ‘myself’ anymore. It doesn’t make any sense. My boyfriend told me that it’s probably because I’m undergoing a mental change. Is that true? Does everything feel the same way when they experience mental changes? How come I’ve never felt this until now?

It bothers me but at the same time, it makes me insecure. I’m not mature as others say I am; I feel very insecure about my image. When I used to recognize myself, I was convinced by my friends that I was “over the average” based on looks. I was happy with that because I honestly want to make myself as presentable as I could be. With that in mind, I realized that only close friends would judge me out of the blue. I would, obviously, receive more lavished compliments from those who displayed feelings towards me. I asked one of my good guy friends last night about my image. He commented, saying that my new haircut is a nice improvement—which I openly admit. Other than that, he said and added nothing. In other words, I’m average. I understand that looking “average” is virtually advantageous to looking “over average” and looking “under average” for a number of reasons. But as a girl who used to believe that she was over average for a long period of time, it’s quite a fall. Why does it even matter? It matters a lot for me to be as presentable to everyone I meet.

I don’t think there’s a direct correlation between the realization of that I’m an average-looking girl to me not realizing myself though. I’ve felt like I’m not myself for quite a while now, before I realized that I was an ordinary-looking girl. There isn’t anything I can do about not being able to recognize myself in the mirror but I was hoping to find some solace in writing about it. Perhaps someone out there has felt the same way at some point in their lives and would like to share it with me.

If I haven’t changed physically, then I must have changed mentally—just as my boyfriend said. I think it could be true because I’m starting to open my eyes to more options in this world. It really isn’t about making it to the top of the world. It’s more about enjoying the life we have now. I wasn’t brought up to think this way but falling so many times (and falling in love this time) has made me see much more. I feel like I’m still growing—I literally feel it. I don’t stick by those credentials as much anymore when I’m interested in someone. The riches, the looks, the intelligence, the good family upbringing…should I still be looking closely into those? I feel that I still stick by them, as shallow as I can be, because I believe people can change. My family expects and trusts me to find a good husband who would satisfy all those credentials. Those credentials will help ensure that my family will be stable and not have to worry about the lack of necessities in life. I’m hoping that while my boyfriend is influencing me to enjoy the simple luxuries of life, I will also influence him to plan and work for the future so that he can enjoy the finer luxuries of life. My family and a couple of friends still think that I can “find someone better” but I don’t want to. Those credentials are important but it doesn’t mean that he can’t grow into them. Take me for example: I didn’t care about looks, grades, planning, family, or money as a kid. Now as I’m turning 18 in a few weeks, I understand the importance of them. I can’t lie around and do nothing. I spend my spare time planning for the future. I hope he’ll feel this way too, but I can’t pressure him. I used to spend a lot of time planning for him.

In any case, I’m very confused at where my mental evolution is taking me. I don’t know what I can do about myself either. I’ve also stopped eating as much as before; I pretty much eat one meal each day, which is dinner. I don’t know what to do nowadays except do short-term planning. I’ve also got some issues with my parents—especially my mom—being irrationally controlling. Just for the record, I’m not being rebellious—I just think they should know I can pick out my own wardrobe without my mother. I’ve done it before so I don’t understand why they’re being so strict about having my mother around. Do they not trust me to factor in cost, quality, and style before I purchase them? Whatever it is, I don’t plan on ranting about it for too long since I will be attending a small reunion dinner later.

My life feels so uninspiring.

Cheating on me?

If you’ve ever asked yourself this question, I don’t blame you. You don’t need evidence of anything to ask yourself this question. I’m serious. You don’t need to see a scandalous picture in order to bring the topic up. Cheating can happen to everyone and by anyone. Indeed, people have made some kind of regulations you should follow in order to prevent cheating–but how are you so sure that it’s flawless? A real lover expresses their feelings in words and actions, and so do the fake ones. As I’m writing this, even I can’t differentiate a cheater from someone who actually loves me.

Athough it is okay to test once in a while, it doesn’t mean you should abuse it. Think about it–you really love someone but they constantly doubt you. That wouldn’t feel very nice. However, even if you trust them to sincerely love you back and maybe they do, it doesn’t  mean they won’t change later. It’s happened to me, unfortunately, and my ex told me that “people change” right after he broke up with me. However, that’s another case. You can’t trust anyone, not even your closest family or friends, but we do it anyway. 

It’s because you can’t prove their love for you.

Every life is the same. Human or not.

Have you heard of human rights? Did you know that we’re all equal under the eyes of law and society? Of course you did, but are these rights limited to humans? When we think about it, they are. For some reason, we are called superior beings to almost all creatures on this Earth with developed systems to perform multiple tasks and achieve the goals which our minds fabricate. Why is this so? Why do we place human life before others’? It is more important to us to save a human than to save an ant, a bear, or a tree. 

However, that is indecent and cruel. While we can fight for our rights as equal humans, man or woman, black or white, and young or old, these creatures cannot. These animals breathe, speak, think, dream, and love like we do. Their bodies are as unique as our’s. The earth would not be the same without each other. But why–I must ask, why. Why are we so much more important than our counterparts? When somebody’s pet dies, you can’t simply say “You can just buy another one. It’s just an animal.” When a child steps on an ant, killing it in the process, you can’t say, “It’s just an ant. It’s not like you killed an endangered animal.” Put yourselves in the shoes of the vulnerable–no, not just vulnerable humans– the vulnerable animals and insects. Put yourselves in the shoes of God’s creations. The ones who truly cannot speak and cannot move others. When we demolish forests and uproot trees, we cannot say, “We’ll just plant another one.” 

What we’re dealing with is life.

What is your poo telling you?

The things that we don’t think of much are often the most interesting things. I sure don’t think about my poo a lot but if something does happen like if it came out in a strange colour, I would panick. Of course, this can be avoided with proper equipment. I mean, my poo could be continuously deteriorating in health and I wouldn’t know it. What if two days later, my poo gets significantly pale-coloured but I had no idea because I forgot how my poo was two days ago! 

Thanks to Google Shopping and my curious search of “poo” just for fun, I stumbled across a very useful tool called the Poo Log. I would encourage people to use the Poo Log for a number of reasons, of which I’m sure you would know why. You can find it at Chronicle Books from this link. There are other titles that can be useful too, such as What’s Your Poo Telling You? and What’s Your Poo Telling You? 2009/10 Calendar. Here’s an excerpt from Chronicle Books,

Poo Log — Finally, what every bathroom has been waiting for—the Poo Log, a journal for recording and studying the wondrous uniqueness of each bowel movement. With an extensive glossary, handy reference checklists, interesting nuggets throughout, this journal makes every trip to the can an e-loo-cidating experience. Who knew one could learn so much from poo?
Anish Sheth, MD, is a gastroenterology fellow at Yale University and lives in Connecticut.

Josh Richman has an MBA from Stanford University and lives in the San Francisco Bay Area.

You  can also find a short but very informative and amusing video on the link I have provided above. Don’t miss out on this amazing book. There are bound to be times an emergency happens and the resources are not on your fingertips. 

Get the Poo Log and/or the corresponding book and calendar.

Santa filed for bankruptcy protection.

On the morn of Christmas, one would expect at least a feast together with the family and a gift or two. Maybe some laughter and some cheer especially from the Catholic and Christian families. However, the most exciting part would probably be the gift exchanging but most of us expected it wasn’t going to come. To be honest, I didn’t even know Christmas was coming! I had no idea yesterday was Christmas Eve until I asked someone to go to the library on that day or the day after. 

Christmas has never played too big of a part to my family. Genuinely speaking here, we have different ideas of Christmas. Inside, we know that it is the birth of Jesus and that we should pray, go to Church, and read the Bible together but we don’t. My father thinks of it as another day of the holidays, my mom has an excuse to decorate the house with poisettias, my brother thinks of  it as a bargaining opportunity, and I used to think of it as the day I obtain presents which I probably don’t deserve. I don’t know what Christmas is in the mind of my oldest brother, since he’s never celebrated it with us for years. It looks like my brother and I suffered under Santa’s bankruptcy the most.

As I had mentioned, inside we have expected that this Christmas would not be as “full”. This expectation came unsuspecting into our lives, just like how the recession slipped into mine. Everyday feels the same to me, even though I know the entire world is affected. It’s like silently and slowly injecting a disease into somebody, and not having him/her realize what is happening or will happen to him/her. Life would still taste the same.

Santa would probably be sad if he heard that. Countless companies have closed down, including Santa’s. While it somewhat promotes the idea of bringing the true Christmas out of everyone, it’s not so good in Santa’s case. This year, he would not be able to pay his elves, feed his reindeer, purchase toy-making materials, feed his family, and decorate  his home and tree. Santa wouldn’t be able to provide us with those nice little gifts–whether we deserve it or not.

On the news, people are starting to appreciate “Christmas” they say. Due to the economic crisis, people are starting to put themselves in the shoes of the poor and homeless. In result, they are giving more to those needy people. Well, I guess we’ll need to thank the recession for this. Santa’ll need to pack up and move to a new home. It must be costly to live up in the north. Santa isn’t an exception to the crisis after all.

The biggest turn-off.

I honestly don’t know what’s happening with this world with all these nasty personalities. While some are ridiculously fake, most people like to pay more attention to their appearances. At first, I thought that was okay but I realized that there is nothing more disgusting than that. I realized that no matter how good looking a guy is, I wouldn’t consider him even if he decides to choose me. I think most girls would usually swine over a hot guy but not me– I want to know him first. I think I’m picky when it comes to guys but to some girls, probably not; my boyfriend doesn’t really care about how he steps out the door. And I’m glad he isn’t that self-conscious. 

I also realize I’ve been hanging out with fewer and fewer friends recently. It’s not like we have nothing in common or to talk about but it’s because we don’t share the same views on the most important thing in my life: love. I honestly think that’s the only thing in the world that could flip somebody’s life upside down for no logical reason, except for the fact you love them. I’ve been looking for some people who share the same views as I do when it comes to love and it hasn’t been going well. I have many candidates but when they post up shallow and disagreeable quotes on their MSN personal message, it’s over. I mean, I have a little heated discussion with them about it and you know that the friendship is all cold water. It just happened, just for the record. I know for a fact that there is no candidate that shares the same views as I do. So far, only my boyfriend does… and he does it even better than I do!

Basically, I believe that a nasty personality is the biggest turn-off ever in the entire world. Not even in relationship-wise, but in any way possible!

Just updating on my life.

3:46 PM

My life is just as good as it could ever be. I’ve gotten my mind off school for the past few days, regretably. Just for the record, there’s no particular purpose in me writing this entry– I just want to look back one day and think, “so this is how my life was back on…November 8th, 2008″. This might be interesting to people who are curious about some random teenage Chinese Canadian girl’s life.  

For the past few weeks, I’ve had people badgering me from time to time about this club I want to start. I personally think it’s a good idea and I haven’t gotten any criticism yet. It’s going to be called the Asian Student Association. I know that it’s going to be somewhat controversial because it’s focused on Asia and its culture but I actually have a very good reason for this. Besides the fact that I am Asian, I’m starting to get really annoyed at the amount of attention Africa is getting. I know they’re poor, miserable, and sick, but so are the people in Asia. These organizations claim to be working towards ending world poverty but all I’ve been seeing is ending the poverty in Africa. Also, I like pandas and I don’t want them to disappear from the face of the earth. I’m sure there are people who’ll agree with me on that. Anyways, there are a lot of misconceptions of being “Asian” despite the population of Asians all over the world. Just because these Chinatown restaurants have mice running all over the place doesn’t mean all Chinese restaurants do. Just because some Chinese drivers are ridiculous doesn’t mean all of them are. Even Chinese people are starting to discriminate themselves! For some reason, there’s a border between Mainland Chinese, Hong Kong Chinese, and probably Taiwanese Chinese. In any case, I want to clear these misconceptions in everyone’s mind. It’d be fun to teach Asian culture and learn a few things myself. We could make tofu….All this is starting to sound like a Chinese club because I’m Chinese but I plan to start a committee with an individual representing each Asian…culture. Sounds good, right? Now I just need to run it through administration when the time is right…

My units are okay, I’m not too behind because I’ve only recently stopped working consistently. I have confidence that I can go back on track any time I want but I really shouldn’t be procrastinating any longer. I wouldn’t want my workload to accumulate. Relaxing and doing nothing is so enjoyable though! I’ll edit this post later and record the time… Time to work on something else.

I think exams should be computerized.

Exams with essays in them should be computerized. I hate it when I’m timed to write essays. Why do we have to write essays? Nowadays, nobody writes out their homework so our writing speeds are on an all-time low. At least for me, I feel like I’m writing slower than I’ve ever written in elementary school. I can write fast but only if people don’t mind seeing a slur of lines that vaguely represent words. It’s disappointing that I have no other way but to draw such lines on my tests or exams, as long as it’s somewhat legible.

However if exams were computerized–as in computer exams– life would be so much easier! I type much faster than I could ever write! I don’t actually mind doing anything else like writing short answer questions but if I’m going to have to write a whole essay, I’ll need some time to prepare an outline. I don’t think the time they give us is enough especially because we’re such technology-reliant kids. And no, I also don’t think it is our fault we are slow in writing; I thought we were tested on our knowledge and application skills, not our writing speed. 

Think of it this way, I hate the feeling when I have so much I want to write but I’m racing against the clock to write it. If you told me to write a few hundred words in a minute, I would have great difficulty in completing that task. If you told me to write a few hundred words, like I am doing now, it is nothing. In any case, I thought they were testing on our knowledge, application, and communication skills–what is going on now? Are they going to add an extra category to mark by? Writing speed? Calligraphy? It’s ridiculous.

Aside from our own convenience, we are doing the environment a huge favour since we’re always throwing away our old computers and devices. Why not use these old computers to help students write essays? All they need to do is hook it up to the network and have students type out the essay on word. Whatever safety configurations could be done by any basic computer programmer you could pull out of the shelf. I could probably do something! Anyways, we’re also saving resources by reusing these computers. Say goodbye to paper, pen, pencils, lead, erasers, white-out, or other easily-used-up items! You save countless trees and other objects by simply writing an exam on the computer.

Editing the essay is also easy to do when you’re typing it up on the computer. Relating back to the resources, nobody needs to use their precious eraser/white-out and then write something over again. Why waste white-out or pen ink when you could backspace? 

I believe exams should be fully computerized but I also understand that teachers don’t have the time in this world to complete computerizing everything. I’ll be fine if they only redid the essay compoents of my exams! It’s highly unlikely but it’s good to dream. I hope I live the day when they decide to do this.